Scotch Bonnet peppers
August 20, 1987
When I try and figure out where I need to work on and what I need to do to stay healthy, the first thing that I must realize is that I have achieved somewhat staying out of the hospital for over a year now that is first and foremostly important. The rebound of that is that I have been on the medication, and it has wracked havoc on my metabolism. I don’t eat too much but I just don’t exercise enough and I feel that the fight to lose the put-on weight will be a struggle of a lifetime. No rationalization however I have let myself go any which way you look at it. The why is the important thing to get at. Understand that and I will be on my way towards correcting it. Why have I tried to destroy myself if that is what I was trying to do.Obviously it was my intention when I cut myself. The anger and hostility at myself, and my life, was what behind that. I remember the feelings exactly. Pain, hurt and misunderstanding, confusion and the desire to just cash it in, at least my will to live was most important. But enough of that because that is over. I truly believe that part of it is that I have been hurt so much so many times that I have made myself so that nobody will want me so that nobody will hurt me. But it is more than that it is deeper and something else. It deals with guilt I think, and feelings of inferiority and insecurity throughout my life that have always caused me to do things to get attention and to feel like I had to be liked by everybody and nice and pretty. When I realized I couldn’t live up to the whole thing I decided to throw it all in. I was disgusted with myself feeling worthless and no good. I didn’t care about myself. Now I am a walking model of that type of person and I have to work at changing things. I must accept myself as I am and then work to change. Step by step. I can’t think that when I get skinny my life will be perfect — that is a bunch of wishful thinking but in my ways it would be much nicer. Why whenever I start out on one train of thought I come back to my weight?
