I think writing about some of the lessons that I learned in Ancora might help me purge my unconscious of the thoughts so that they don’t return at night to haunt me, and help me make some decisions that will aid me in the future. First of all, I shall do everything I can to remain out of such a place at all costs. The biggest I am paying right now with my body. In Ancora it was like the last of the great fight rebelling against the diagnosis and the label that accompanies it. Also they didn’t know me and I didn’t know them so there was the complication there, but I ended up tied down too frequently. For not protecting myself, they tied me down and for not protecting myself I got a bloody nose. For protecting myself I saved myself the bloody nose but not the ropes.

I must try and program into my head the thought that I must not fight the staff at any time. I must not fight the restraints should I ever get tied up. They seem to keep you in there longer should you show the self determination of trying to free your self. The horror of part of my situation is that I know for fact that I have been molested in the hospitals by staff at Las Encinas, Olive View, and at Ancora. And yet who would believe me? At least at Ancora there was a witness and therefore, they believed my story. But I mean part of the agony and stress I believe that added to my genetic disposition was the molestation by my father then I go to a place for supposed help and have to deal with that shit.

I try hard to think of times when I have acted against my better judgment, in other words denied my superego, and times when I have truly had not the control or lost it so to speak. It seems that my behavior reckless at least I knew I shouldn’t be doing it and it may very well end up costing me my life, but that is another issue. What I am talking about is self control, monitoring and discipline. To put this problem to bed forever this must be examined, why was I doing some of these things that I knew better than doing? For attention, escape from responsibility for kicks and curiosity, or from real live illness. I believe that it is a combination of all these elements as well as for rebellion and self destruction. Trying to put this behind me. I discover that my self esteem is shattered that the stigma of M.I. is deeply imbedded in my own self evaluation. That is terrible. I must accept the illness, but not its limitations that I superimpose upon myself. I can still achieve a normal life and I must fight like the dickens to have it. I should not think of myself as abnormal or everyone will as well. When I feel that People are saying things about me then so be it. Let them. I am who I am and I love my life and I will learn to love and respect myself if it takes me a long time to do it. I said to Mike that I was a far cry from liking and respecting who I am, and that was an honest moment. A painfully honest moment. If I were to give in to my insecurity I’d be living a lie. Therapy is one way to better self esteem, this typewriter serves as a self catharsis and evaluation device.